Harper’s Weekly World News

I don’t know about you, but I am tired of all the outrage these days about “fake news.” People who use that term have no idea what they’re talking about. Anyone who ever used to read the old Weekly World News knows exactly what I mean—now there was fake news! This is exactly why the study of history is so important—so we have some context.

This April Fool’s Day has me wondering what a Civil War edition of Harper’s Weekly World News would look like. I can imagine some of the headlines:

Bigfoot Spotted on Spotsylvania Battlefield
Local hunter takes aim but cannot hit a bigfoot at that distance

George McClellan Consults with Aliens over Aeronautics Corps
Thaddeus Lowe inspired by a “close encounter”

Soldiers in 18th North Carolina Complain of Mysterious Aching Left Arms
Regiment-wide ailment said to be caused by the ghost of Stonewall Jackson

John Wilkes Booth Planned JFK Assassination—100 years early
Lincoln was “just practice,” Oswald affirms in exclusive interview

Lost Shelby Foote Footnotes Discovered
“I hid these from you bastards out of spite,” authors says in note

Visit Tupelo, Mississippi: The town where Elvis died the first time and was reborn 71 years later
Sgt. Elvis Presley of Company A, 32nd Tennessee—the Graceland Grenadiers—died on July 14, 1864, during the battle of Tupelo. His commander, Col. Tom Parker, was all shook up by the news. 71 years later, Presley was returned to sender.

“Bat Boy” Terrifies Battlefield Survivors
“I thought it was an angel of mercy, but it was an agent of Hell,” one soldier cries. “As if the horrors of the battle weren’t enough….”

Mary Todd Lincoln Communes with Spirits in White House Séance
(Oh, wait, that’s not fake news….)