One Evening At Gettysburg…

It was one of those evenings when you’d just rather sit in your tent and zone-out. The Union generals had been playing “catch-up on the campaign” ever since the now-fired Joe Hooker had started a belated pursuit of the Confederate army. As for the men in gray, they’d been on the march for weeks now, into Maryland and Pennsylvania, but it just seemed like all their plans weren’t working out.

Sensing that his commanders needed a break, General Lee inquired if there was a pizza parlor nearby, and Henry Heth said he’d heard about a good place in Gettysburg. Lee sent Heth to make reservations.

About that same time, Union General Meade decided to have a team building meeting. John Buford sent word that he’d heard of High Ground Pizza – not too far in the little town of Gettysburg – and offered to hold some tables.

When Henry Heth arrived at High Ground Pizza, he was astonished to find Buford there, already reserving about half the restaurant’s tables. Heth at once expressed his displeasure and then wondered aloud what would happen when the generals from both sides gathered in the room.

They didn’t have to wait long. Reynolds showed up and ordered some [root] beer and “for goodness sakes, hurry up!” and Gordon arrived with his gray mustang. Heth pouted in the corner, making frowny faces at the men in blue until Ewell and Lee arrived and organized some tables across from the Yankee position.

Longstreet, Early, Pickett, and Hood all came together. Longstreet took one look around the restaurant and suggested they could go to Washington for a hamburger and just leave the Yankees alone, but Lee insisted he really wanted pizza. The men in gray looked at the menu for a while. “I just wish General Stuart was here. He’s so particular in what he eats, and I don’t want to order something he doesn’t like,” Lee said, looking over the rim of his glasses absently as though he didn’t see his other friends.

Hancock, Sickles, Meade, Warren and Chamberlain entered. Nobody was quite sure why Chamberlain came; he wasn’t in the general’s star-club yet, but the other Union men just shrugged and assumed he invited himself to the party. They bent over the menus, trying to decide what to order.

Finally, Lee sent Ewell to the ordering counter to ask for four large pepperoni pizzas, if possible. Ewell had started eating healthy ever since he got married and decided it wasn’t possible; he ordered four thin crust vegan pizzas with minimal cheese. Meanwhile, all the Union men decided on carnivorous pizza and sent Sickles to place the order for four pizzas. Sickles glanced behind him, made sure Hancock wasn’t listening, and only ordered only cheese pizza because he was tired of everyone ignoring what he wanted.

The Confederate pizzas arrived first (still before Stuart, who seemed to have gotten lost on the way to the gathering). Everyone glowered when they saw what Ewell had ordered, but about that time Longstreet noticed that the Union men had pizza with yummy, gooey (and totally unhealthy) cheese. Motioning to the others, they quickly got the same idea. Forget caution and healthy dieting! Food stealing!

Now, the Union boys growled at Sickles until Warren sounded the alarm. Chamberlain – from his seat on the left, closest to the food counter – grabbed several pizza boxes and suggested they take the food to-go. The others rallied and headed for the back of Meade’s pick-up (wagon, of course). The Confederates gathered at the door while Sickles was sent back to camp without dinner as punishment for his mischief and lack of obedience.

“Men, should we stay or head back to camp?” Meade asked. After some quick thinking, the men voted to stay…because if they went back to camp all the soldiers would be mad they didn’t get to have pizza too. Now, the generals had tried that at Fredericksburg last year, and it just turned into the biggest disaster ever.

Who wouldn’t fight for PIZZA?

Pickett ran out the door, calling to the gray-clad men to follow. “Rally, brave Virginians! We can take their cheese pizza!” But it took a while to get the others to come with him, and by that time, the cheese pizza stealing opportunity vanished. The Union men shook hands, smiled at everyone (except the Confederates) and headed back to camp, thankful for an opportunity to relax and enjoy some good food.

Inside the restaurant, Stuart arrived in time to poke at the cold veggie pizza while Lee scolded him for being late. The men in gray decided to head to Williamsport Brewery on Potomac Street, leaving Lee to pay the price of the pizza with his Lost Cause Rewards Card (which would actually be billed to Longstreet).

April Fools From Emerging Civil War!

10 Responses to One Evening At Gettysburg…

  1. “If we don’t get those pies to the high ground, there will be the Devil to pay! The high ground!”

  2. Sad that in the end, it
    was Longstreet who would pay. He hated pizza,
    being more partial to pork chops and sweet potatoes!

  3. Thanks for the laugh. Since pizza is my favorite food, I wish I could have joined the party!

  4. If only it had evolved into a food fight instead of what really happened! In your alternate Pizza Pie universe, what happens to Reynolds?

  5. “Order men! For God’s Sake Order! and make those fellows wait for their pies!” – Gen Reynolds

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