“As Sensitive About the Flanks as a Virgin”: Best Gibes & Insults of the Civil War

Lady Astor: “If I were married to you, Winston, I’d put poison in your tea.”

Winston Churchill: “Madam, if I were married to you, I’d drink it.”

This legendary—possibly apocryphal—Lady Astor-Winston Churchill repartee is an example of how a quick-witted gibe can deliciously amplify an insult. The Civil War offered many an opportunity both for prompt gibes and considered insults. Here are some of the best.

J.E.B. Stuart’s Complaint

[To] Quartermaster-General Meigs, United States Army

Quality of the mules lately furnished me very poor. Interferes seriously with movement of captured wagons.

/s/ J.E.B. Stuart

During his “Christmas” or “Dumfries” Raid of 1862, Stuart’s men captured a federal telegraph post. Stuart used the opportunity to send this taunting message to Meigs.[1]

Meigs no doubt did not find the gibe amusing.

Abraham Lincoln’s Barb

While Stuart humorously complained of the quality of the equine transport furnished him by the federal government, only weeks earlier a frustrated Abraham Lincoln had been in no mood to hear a similar complaint by his own top field commander.

In response to an October 25, 1862 report from Maj. Gen. George B. McClellan that one of his cavalry commanders claimed that his mounts were “absolutely broken down from fatigue and want of flesh,” Lincoln promptly retorted:

“I have just read your dispatch about sore-tongued and fatigued horses. Will you pardon me for asking what the horses of your army have done since the battle of Antietam that fatigues anything?”[2]

No doubt, that one stung.[3]

Longstreet Compares Green Troops to Blushing Virgins

While later expressing regret for employing such earthy language in “official correspondence” during the May 31, 1862 battle of Seven Pines, then-Maj. Gen. James Longstreet perfectly captured the fear of green troops facing attacks on their flanks by using a sexual reference.

With the battle still raging, Longstreet reported to his superior, Maj. Gen. G. W. Smith, that:

‘[I]n going forward we encountered a flanking fire from the enemy … which was exceedingly annoying, particularly with fresh troops, who were always “as sensitive about the flanks as a virgin.’”[4]

The fact that Longstreet had the presence of mind to employ such a vivid metaphor amid a battle not only is amusing but reveals an ability to maintain composure under fire.

If it walks like a duck…

In contrast to Longstreet, U.S. Maj. Gen. William Rosecrans supposedly was “unnerved” by his army’s devastating defeat at Chickamauga (September 18-20, 1863). Driven back into Chattanooga and placed under siege by Confederate Gen. Braxton Bragg’s forces, Rosecrans was reported to be utterly unable to respond to the crisis. It even was feared that he might surrender his army.[5]

Lincoln, losing confidence in his reportedly mentally paralyzed commander, concluded that Rosecrans was:

“…confused and stunned like a duck hit on the head.”[6]

Whether or not his was a fair assessment, Lincoln’s colorful metaphor earns a place among the Civil War’s better gibes/insults.

What is the Value of a General?

Perhaps not surprisingly, Old Abe is the source of multiple memorable war-time quips. When informed that a daring raid upon Fairfax Court House, Virginia in March 1863 by the partisan John S. Mosby had nabbed Brig. Gen. Edwin Stoughton along with 58 horses, Lincoln reportedly bemoaned the loss of quality horseflesh more than his general, explaining:

“I can make a much better General in five minutes, but the horses cost one hundred and twenty-five dollars apiece.” [7]

Even On the Eve of Surrender, Lee Kept His Sense of Humor

A man nicknamed the “Marble Model”[8] is not one usually associated with expressions of levity. Yet Robert E. Lee clearly had a sense of humor, as evidenced by various examples throughout his life.[9]

Even during the stress of his final campaign, Lee’s humor persisted. CSA Brig. Gen. A.L. Long recounted the following incident involving Lee and Brig. Gen. Henry A. Wise that took place on April 8, 1865.

‘The general [Wise] had made his morning ablutions, in the absence of the requisites of a civilized toilet, in a mud-hole in the road, the water of which was deeply tinged with the prevailing red clay of that country. Towels were as scarce as basins, and in the lack of any better method he permitted the water to dry upon his face. The consequence was that his countenance displayed a very decided coating of red clay.

Unaware of the appearance which he presented, mirrors having been left behind with the other impedimenta of civilization, Wise, with his blanket thrown around him and presenting a not inapt resemblance to an Indian chief, walked up to where General Lee was standing in the midst of a group of officers. Despite the gravity of the situation, Lee’s face broke into a humorous smile on perceiving the ludicrous appearance of the unconscious officer.

“Good morning, General Wise,” he remarked in a tone of merry pleasantry. “I perceive that you, at any rate, have not given up the contest, as you are in your war-paint this morning.”’ [10]

Not every gibe need be insulting; some simply are humorous.

“La Patience Est Amere, Mais Son Fruit Est Doux”

Then again, some gibes are both humorous and insulting.

The embarrassment caused the Lincoln administration by the November 1863 escape of CSA raider Brig. Gen. John Hunt Morgan and several of his officers from the Ohio State Penitentiary was exacerbated by a taunting note left behind by one of the escapees. That note, addressed to the prison warden, read:

“Hon. (!!) N. Merion, the watchful, the vigilant.

CASTLE MERION, CELL No. 20.

Commenced work November 4; number of hours worked per day, three; completed work November 20; tools, two small knives.

“La patience est amère, mais son fruit est doux” [“Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet.”]

By order of my six confederates:

1. HENRY HINES,

Captain, C.S. Army.” [11]

Now, there is an insult with style.

A Misplaced “Arse”

Lincoln’s insulting gibes directed towards McClellan and Stoughton were not the only instances coupling a general with horses. Perhaps the most famous such quip was supposedly uttered by Lee. Upon hearing that Maj. Gen. John Pope had issued an order from his “Headquarters in the Saddle,” Lee allegedly retorted that:

“If so his headquarters are where his hindquarters ought to be.”[12]

While repeated many times, the “Headquarters in the Saddle” heading it is of dubious providence.[13] Pope himself denied that he ever made the statement.[14] But it makes for a good, purported jab by Lee.

A Pinch of Owl Dung

A final wonderfully colorful quip that does stand historical scrutiny also involved Pope.

During the 1862 Second Manassas Campaign Col. Herman Haupt, in charge of military railroads, was tasked with untangling the chaos that was snarling efforts to forward reinforcements to Pope. In the course of his efforts, Haupt confronted Brig. Gen. Samuel Sturgis, who had unilaterally hijacked several trains that should have been used in Pope’s behalf. In response to Haupt’s admonishment that Sturgis was interfering with efforts to support Pope, Sturgis (perhaps emboldened by liquor courage) retorted,

“I don’t care for John Pope a pinch of owl dung!” [15]

Whether characterized as an insult, gibe, or simply a drunken outburst, Sturgis’s exclamation provides a fitting concluding example of some of the best of the Civil War’s humorous disparaging quips.

[1] Burke Davis, Jeb Stuart: The Last Cavalier (The Fairfax Press, New York, NY, 1988), 262 & 433, n. 2; H.B. McClellan, The Campaigns of Stuart’s Cavalry (The Blue & Gray Press, Secaucus, NJ, 1993), 201.

[2] The War of the Rebellion: A Compilation of The Official Records of The Union and Confederate Armies, Series I, Vol. 19, part 2 (U.S. Government Printing Office, Washington, D.C., 1880 – 1901) (“OR”), 484-485; Stephen W. Sears, Landscape Turned Red: The Battle of Antietam (Book-of-the-Month Club, New York, NY, 1994), 330-331.

[3] It did. See McClellan’s response at OR, Series I, Vol. 2, part 2, 331.

[4] Douglas Southall Freeman, Lee’s Lieutenants: Manassas to Malvern Hill (Vol. 1) (Charles Schnbner’s Sons, New York, NY, 1942), 237 & n. 53; Mark M. Boatner, Civil War Dictionary (David McKay Company, Inc., New York, NY, 1988), 490.

[5] James M. McPherson, Battle Cry of Freedom: The Civil War Era (Oxford University Press, New York, NY, 1988), 672-675; David A. Powell, Battle Above the Clouds: Lifting the Siege of Chattanooga and the Battle of Lookout Mountain, October 16-Novmber 24, 1863 (Savas Beatie, Eldorado Hills, CA, 2017), xix-xxi; Frank P. Varney, General Grant and the Rewriting of History (Savas Beatie, Eldorado Hills, CA, 2018), 207-239. Varney discusses the reports and charges against Rosecrans in the course of arguing that all such were false.

[6] McPherson, 675.

[7] Jeffry D. Wert, Mosby’s Rangers: The True Adventures of the Most Famous Command of the Civil War (Touchstone, New York, NY, 1990), 45, 48; Freeman E. Jones, Major, USA, Mosby’s Rangers and Partisan Warfare (Unpublished Master’s Thesis, The Johns Hopkins University, Fort Leavenworth, KS, 1993), 28-31, https://www.scribd.com/document/178522486/Mosbys-Rangers.

[8] Lee earned this stoic moniker while serving as Superintendent of the U.S. Military Academy at West Point. James I. Robertson, Jr., Robert E. Lee: A Reference Guide to His Life and Works (Rowman & Littlefield, Lanham, MD, 2019), 145. In his poem “Army of Northern Virginia,” Stephen Vincent Benet referred to Lee as “as the rigid image in marble” and “the marble man.” https://internetpoem.com/stephen-vincent-ben-eacute-t/army-of-northern-virginia-poem/#google_vignette.

[9] E.g., James I. Robertson, Jr., Robert E. Lee: Virginia Soldier, American Citizen (Atheneum Books for Young Readers, New York, NY, 2005), 14, 84, 115; Charles Bracelen Flood, Lee: The Last Years (Houghton Mifflin Company, Boston, MA, 1981), 135, 145-146. Flood recounts Lee’s humorous advice to two students involved in an apparent assassination attempt upon a Washington College professor.

[10] A.L. Long, Memoirs of Robert E. Lee (The Blue and Grey Press, Secaucus, NJ, 1983), 416.

[11] OR, Series II, Vol. 6, p. 729; A. C. Quisenberry, “History of Morgan’s Men,” Register of Kentucky State Historical Society (Vol. 15, No. 45, September, 1917), 21, 41, https://www.jstor.org/stable/pdf/23368404.pdf?refreqid=fastly-default%3A0d164d60781c6f2fe72541708dfd5258&ab_segments=&initiator=&acceptTC=1.

[12] Donald R. McClarey, “Did John Pope Claim that His Headquarters Was in the Saddle?,” The American Catholic, August 30, 2012, https://the-american-catholic.com/2012/08/30/did-john-pope-claim-that-his-headquarters-was-in-the-saddle/.

[13] E.g., Edward Porter Alexander, edited by Gary W. Gallagher, Fighting for the Confederacy: The Personal Recollections of General Edward Porter Alexander (The University of North Carolina Press, Chapel Hill, NC, 1989), 123; Peter Cozzens, “John Pope (1822–1892),” Encyclopedia Virginia (Dec. 7, 2020),https://encyclopediavirginia.org/entries/pope-john-1822-1892.

[14] John Pope, “The Second Battle of Bull Run,” from Robert Underwood Johnson, Clarence Clough Buel, Editors, Battles & Leaders of the Civil War, Vol. II (Thomas Yoseloff, London, 1956), 449, 493-494; Gary W. Gallagher, “Should Pope be a Punchline?,” HistoryNet (Oct. 6, 2021), https://historynet.com/should-pope-be-a-punchline/.

[15] Herman Haupt, Reminiscences of General Herman Haupt (Wright & Joys Co., Milwaukee, WS, 1901), 80, 83, https://archive.org/details/reminiscencesofg00hauprich/page/n9/mode/2up; Peter Cozzens, General John Pope: A Life for the Nation (University of Illinois Press, Urbana & Chicago, IL, 2000), 42, 102.